Tag Archives: mother and son

For whom the pain tolls

Posted in June by

It amazes me what we (I) let our (my) LWA (loved one with Alzheimer’s) get away with in the name of the disease. Not only are we chauffer, cleaner and go-fer; we’re also expected to morph into the occasional doormat-ter.

I (thought) I learned how to let comments roll off my back like water off the proverbially duck as advised by all the doctors and everything I’ve read but after the tongue-lashing Miss Cathy unleashed with such fury a few months ago I was left feeling emotionally eviscerated.

The details of which I’m hoping my best to forget and have repeated enough so suffice to say my entire purpose for being came into question. Unfortunately, it’s something that I don’t think I’ll ever forget (and I’m someone who never says never-even though I just said “ever”).

After it happened I was confused and shell-shocked. We’ve had arguments and disagreements in the past but her reaction to the situation was so much bigger than the size of the incident and it was just too much.

I don’t know (which adds to the confusion) if it’s the Alzheimer’s, old age, fear or a combination of it all but emotional boundaries were crossed and her filter (which at best was barely there) was completely gone so she said things I never imagined I’d hear, the venom viscous with hate.

The only thing I could think to do was to get in my car and drive. I stopped at a park nearby and sat there trying to take in what had just happened. I got on my phone and first turned to my brother, who listened and was some comfort but could offer little else.

It was my friends, Brian and William that really came through for me. They gave me the words that turned into actions that helped me go back (which in and of itself was pretty powerful because every fiber in my being was screaming for me to just drive; where I didn’t know-anywhere but back there).

But, what they said (each in own way) has kept me and keeps me here/there to this day.
Brian reminded me that I’m not alone and that I’m not “stuck”, I can always get professional help for her and leave. William told me, “much will be said” (and he should know-he has challenges of his own caring for both his parents. He shared some of the things that have been said to him and he’s still there, everyday caring for them both.) He also told me to just get a thicker skin, “apologize to her” (even if I didn’t mean it or understand why it was important) and to just……“go on”.

So, I took their advice and went back.

Oh, don’t worry; Miss Cathy is fine (she hasn’t been stuffed and propped up in a rocker somewhere waiting to be discovered in the last reel like Norman Bates’ mother) in fact, she’s better than ever actually. She unleashed, I “apologized” and now she seems all the better for having gotten (whatever) off her chest.

I haven’t shirked my obligations either. I go through the motions day to day but something has shifted in me and when my day is done (more often than not) I find that I question my role as caregiver and my continued commitment to stay here. I have tried my best to show up for my duties (both as son and caregiver) but my heart (what’s left of it) isn’t into it anymore.

It’s humbling but I’m almost ready to concede that the Alz wins.

I confess I thought I was made of stronger stuff; having survived heartbreak, the death of friends to AIDs, domestic abuse, bankruptcy, alcoholism and career suicide…to name a few) but I guess I’ve met my match.

I was thinking I might have some more fight left in me (or at least a few more ounces of blood to give) but that changed the other day when it happened again. While it wasn’t the bloodletting that occurred before, once again Miss Cathy vented her anger. But this time I wasn’t taken totally of guard, the surface was sliced, old wounds were re-opened and there was a little pain, an emotional paper-cut if you will.

Unfortunately, the people closest to us can hurt us the most because while they love us for our strengths they also know our weaknesses and have to power to turn that against us. Alzheimer’s has a way of releasing the person suffering with the disease from the responsibility of keeping that trust.

Sometimes, you can see that the LWA knows they’ve over-stepped and are remorseful and other times they seem to know not the destruction they’ve wrecked and the emotional damage done. They seem just as pained and confused as the person they’ve hurt.

And while it’s forgivable (hopefully) to the one who’s boundaries have been broken, it’s like the bell that once rung cannot be un-wrung and they are left to decide for whom the pain tolls.

As time goes by

Posted in March by

I’ve been remiss in writing for the past month. The reasons being unexpected work (which is good) and a monetary self-consciousness (which is bad) about what I’ve been blogging and posting these last eighteen months or so.

I’d been blogging more or less as I’ve kept my journal for decades now; un-self conscious and un-varnished, pretty much the truth of my experience (as I see it, of course), without thought (not much anyway) of tone, ramifications or implications.

Funny how with a little time and distance you can look at something and suddenly see it in a completely different light (kinda like putting on that swim-suit that you got on sale in the off season and now that it’ll soon be summer you put it for the first time and wonder-what was I thinking?).

I made the mistake of re-reading some of my old posts and felt suddenly naked and very exposed (except for that swim-suit of course;) Well, I won’t be doing that again (reading that is-not writing). I’m not going to start editing myself or over thinking what I write-I mean, what would be the point if I did that? No, I’ll just continue to move forward in print and leave the looking back to others.

Since my last post I’ve taken Miss Cathy to her neurologist and to her primary care physician for her regularly scheduled check-ups. They both gave her glowing reports. She did better on the neurologists’ memory and cognitive skill’s tests than she’s ever done before and other than gaining a little weight, her health is better than ever, too.

Dr Aleymayehu, her neurologist explained (once again when she asked about her medication) that the Aricept she’s taking is not a “cure” but it “delays” the Alzheimer’s patient from progressing in the disease. Since she was diagnosed so early moms’ pretty much frozen in time with most of her wits about her so Miss Cathy is one of the lucky ones.

Sure, she still has some confusion, she still has anger issues and some days she gets overwhelmed when there are too many things going on. But, lets face it; those things are all manageable considering what others who are further along in the disease are experiencing

With her doing so much better I can understand why she keeps asking the doctor about the Aricept and what it’s suppose to be doing to help her. We know (well, I know) that Alzheimer’s is a progressive disease and it has no specific timeline of deterioration so it’s possible that Miss Cathy could be the way she is now for years to come. So, it’ all wonderful news but “what’s a caregiver to do?”

Lately I feel I have less purpose here. The first year was all about getting her acclimated to her (and my) new life and for some time she really seemed to struggle with the “day to day” and needed a lot of hands on care. And I was good at helping with that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want (or need her to be sick) it’s just that my days had purpose when she needed me and every day seemed to be a re-affirmation of my decision to leave my life to come join hers.

As time has gone by she’s more independent (compared to where she was after her fall in January of 2010) and has more days where she’s cleared headed and functioning like she had before her diagnosis (albeit slower than before).

She needs me less and I (feel anyway) like I’ve gone from caregiver to reluctant roommate. Or like I’m trapped in some vortex where it’s ten years ago and I’m on a visit home to see my mom but the visit never ends.

I hate to be a “Debbie downer” but I have to ask, “why am I still here?”

MIss Cathy goes country

Posted in February by

I don’t know when it started exactly. When I first moved in with Miss Cathy she would talk about how she’d occasionally watch a music video on CMT (Country music television) and I thought little of it.

Then I noticed that her days started to have a different soundtrack; instead of the usual sounds floating through the apartment of courtroom show gavels, one of the Cartwright’s’ needing “Pa” to help them out of a jam “down on the Ponderosa” or the applause of the game shows I would hear the soft twang of a guitar and warble of love lost from some unknown baritone.

I on the other hand seemed to be listening to the sounds of my own discontent. All I could hear were thoughts of how hard it is being here and questioning how much longer I can keep this commitment to care for Miss Cathy.

Believe me, I’m sick of the sound of my own belly aching and crying “whoa is me” but I don’t know….. I think I thought things would have gotten easier by now or…..different somehow-anything but the constant frustration, anger and ill at ease that I feel.

But, I constantly remind myself that this isn’t about me and it’s still early in the disease. This is the easy part where she’s more or less still herself so how can I possibly be thinking of bailing now? These are Halcyon days compared to what’s ahead.

So, I sit with my discontent, sharing coffee with it in the morning knowing it will leave me at some point during the day and freeing me to feel-sometimes joy, sometimes satisfaction in knowing that I’m doing the right thing but there’s never peace.

Mom on the other hand seems to have adjusted pretty well. Sure, the last tow years have been a big change for her too after living alone for almost ten years after pop died, but she’s always said she likes having family around. I’ve spent most of my life living alone, as if I were hatched and not part of any clan.

I can say that it is satisfying to know that she’s happy (or as happy as one can be with Alzheimer’s) I know that she likes having her son around-and I am “that” and I am “here”. Even though I keep to myself and lord knows we don’t talk very much she’s got Garth, Brooks, Dunn and Lady Antebellum to keep her company. It’s pretty much all country-all the time, she watches country music videos for hours at a time as she sits on the couch where she spends her days.

I drove her over to Tony’s for the Super Bowl last Sunday and on the drive we’d pretty much exhausted all conversation ten minutes into the hour plus drive leaving just the radio to fill the silence. But then I happened to switch from the classical station that I prefer to the country channel and through the rearview mirror I could see Miss Cathy light up like a Christmas tree.

Her mood was infectious and soon I was listening and humming along to the few songs or riffs that I recognized. We started talking between sets and before you know it we’d arrived at my brother’s place. I can’t remember having spent such a good time in her company for a long while.

Soon after we were inside the spell was broken, the old dynamics came back into play in my brother’s family room so I withdraw as Miss Cathy launched into a story that we’d all heard before but I could safely leave Tony and Suemi to be her audience as I once again turned to the sound of my own inner dialogue.

I wonder, like Miss Cathy’s new found interest in country music if this is just a phase or if I’m the last to know that this is it-life changes and suddenly you find yourself in Nashville and not in a New York state of mind.

F-bombs

Posted in January by

Miss Cathy is no stranger to how shall I say ……”salty language”. Let’s face it, she can make a truck driver blush but since her diagnosis she’s even made me wince and I’m about as vulgar as they come (I guess the foul-mouthed apple didn’t fall very far from that tree).

Last week with the redecorating and remodeling half way finished I was excited that when the ice maker for the new refrigerator was delivered that would at least signal the end of things to do in the kitchen for a while.

All of the new stainless steel appliances; stove, over the counter microwave and refrigerator came from the same big-box, discount electronic store and for the most part I was happy with the purchases.

On the day the ice maker was delivered I was surprised to see two guys at the door and not one and I was further puzzled that one of them didn’t just hand me the package and leave. The one holding the box said that they were here to “install” the ice maker so I proceeded to let them in.

Like everyone who now visits I asked them to please take their shoes off in the foyer before coming any further into the apartment. To my surprise they balked, one saying that we were their first stop of the day (as if that immunes them from bringing outside dirt inside) and that the installation wouldn’t take long. Since I wasn’t expecting them to install the ice maker (I hadn’t paid for that service-just the ice maker) I decided to not look a gift horse in the mouth and allowed them in (for some reason only the one who spoke came in and the other went back outside).

Unfortunately 45 minutes later the installer tells me that he was given the wrong ice maker at the warehouse for our refrigerator and another would have to be ordered.
I looked over at Miss Cathy on the couch after letting him out and she was fuming-not about the mistaken ice maker but about the fact that the guy didn’t take off his shoes.

I was on the phone with the store making arrangements for the correct item to be shipped and I made a point to complain about the installer’s objection to my request. When mom heard me mention the incident I could hear her in the background saying, “Let me talk to them.”

I ignored her, finishing up the conversation in my room and then I came back into the living room to tell her that I had handled it.

This seemed to calm Miss Cathy a bit but she was still worked up. “Well good”, she said, “that’s good that you know how to talk to people and get things done because I was ready to tell that fucker off and the people on the phone, too.”

“I don’t know who the fuck he thought he was saying he wasn’t going to take his shoes off, this is my house-not his!” “Makes me hot, I want to get that fucker fired!”

Alrighty then I thought, after stepping out the way of the last of the f-bombs and sitting next to her on the couch. Her reaction was kinda over the top but that’s par for the course lately so I just listened. She didn’t go on much longer and seemed appeased when I told her that the store apologized for the installer’s behavior and they were going to refund my money for the ice maker and ship and install the correct one for free.

That made her happy, crisis averted. The f-bombs are tucked away for another day, ready to drop at the next battlefield whether real or imagined.

Design in time for New Years: Part III “Magic carpet ride”

Posted in January by

With the kitchen started I could focus on the carpet install. The “big day” finally arrived early on a Tuesday morning, with me up a lot earlier than the scheduled 9:00 am appt so that I could to drive Miss Daisy over to her girlfriend Adele’s for a “play-date”.

I have to say, I was very impressed that mom left without a complaint or a snide remark, honoring my request that she leave for the day so that I could work on a “surprise” here at home. For the week prior to “the day” she didn’t even try to ask for a hint or as to what the surprise may be either.

During the days leading up to the install there was a crazy amount of prep work to be done. Part of the cash “bargain” that I struck with the carpet salesman was that I would make sure that every surface was clear so that the installers wouldn’t have to pack anything or be responsible for breaking anything as they moved the furniture.

So I had to box up everything that was “sitting” on a surface, including all knick-knacks, books, pictures, vases, teddy bears, trinkets, collectibles, paperwork, clocks, remotes. Everything had to be removed, every surface had to be clear and that was a tall order.

A “Ty-Tip”: If you’re moving or need good heavyweight boxes for storage or any other reason, head to your neighborhood Target and ask a sales clerk if you can come back into the store-room with then to retrieve boxes that they have slated for recycling.

Their boxes are not broken down like most stores, they are folded and packed neatly for recycling, clean and ready to use. This alone is a savings of about $12.00(per) for a similarly sized box from FedEx or Staples.

I got about 30 boxes, took them home and spent the week packing up everything on every surface in the condo, starting with things that were merely decorative, saving the things (like alarm clocks and remote controls) until the morning of the install as to not interrupt Miss Cathy’s daily life.

Like most of the work that I’d done and would continue to do, I worked when Miss Cathy was napping or asleep for the night. So, as she slept I packed away her bric and brac, carefully wrapping things I much rather throw away, mindful that “One man’s trash is another’s treasure’ and in this case it was mostly treasure from an island I’d never heard of or care to visit.

But, four days (nights) later I had 99% of every surface clear, clean and ready to move without the threat of something sliding off and breaking.

Waiting for the carpet guys that Tuesday morning I felt like it was Christmas and Santa was going to be pulling up in front of the condo with a sleigh full of presents instead of a truck with strangers hauling padding and carpet-it must be what another “Ty” (Pennington) feels like during an “Extreme Makeover” (although, this wasn’t nearly that bad or drastic a change but in my mind it comes pretty close).

Since it was getting close to 9:00 am I started to move some of the furniture myself, all the more to help them get “in” and “out”. I’d rather help people I hire than stand over them and hover like some upper class matron in pearls and a chignon, following them around reminding them to be careful of her things because “they were worth more than they’d make in their lifetime”.

At 9:30 am no carpet installers so I called and was told that the “guys” had left the warehouse and would arrive soon. After several more calls and a lurking suspicion that I had been ripped of for the$500.00 cash deposit that I gave the salesman I started a calm “panic” (that’s when you’re screaming on the inside but outwardly you appear to be in control-kinda like the look of someone who’s just about to go “postal”).

I beat myself up for being too cheap to sign up for “Angie’s List” (did you know that Angie charges a monthly fee to give you a thumb’s up on trades people?). Nor did I get around to calling the Better Business Bureau like the responsible person that I’d like to think that I am. No, I “trusted” the carpet salesman-a stranger, someone who just came to the condo after I called from an ad in the “PennySaver” and I handed him five hundred dollars cash. Hell, anybody could run an ad, get a business card made up and steal a carpet sample board from someplace-can’t they?

While I stood in the window, less like a kid at Christmas and more like a con-man’s “mark”, I was kicking myself and wondering how I was going to get my money back-if I could ever track down this “carpet” salesman. And what a waste it was to pack up thirty boxes of stuff just to put it all back onto the surfaces of furniture that was going to remain on the nasty carpet I’d grown to despise.

The truck finally pulled up at 11:00 am.

The lead installer, Jose walked in with a grin on his face ready to work, in that moment I had a choice-to let it go and get to work or be a bitch and rail at him for keeping me waiting…. I did both, I let him in to start the work and then I called his boss, the “salesman” and read him the riot act and let him bitch at his employee later when he came by to check on the job.

The carpet company sent two guys, Jose and another young man whose name I never did get. Other than being late and unapologetic they got right to work, they were hard-working, fast and professional. I was impressed with how they were able to navigate moving the furniture-big and old as it was so that they could work.

It was going to be a very long day.

Next week: Design in time for New Years Part IV: “Magic carpet ride” cont’d

Design in time for New Years: Pt II ” Ty-Tips”

Posted in January by

With the carpet installation scheduled it was time to take a moment to re-think my approach to all the work I’d intended to do in the apartment. And with about two-thirds of my money spent it was time to re-evaluate my budget.

I had $ 500.00 left and there were still two to four things left on my “Design on a Dime” wish list. There were the appliances for the kitchen yet to buy plus all the paint and accoutrements. So I talked to my brother and we increased the budget by a thousand dollars, which would give me the option of shopping for an appliance (or two) as well buying all the paint and supplies I needed to tackle the kitchen.

Sometime in the 1980’s Miss Cathy got the idea that she wanted an all white kitchen cabinets, appliances, etc. Well, she had white GE appliances, which was a good start, but her cabinets were all dark wood with heavy brass hardware and handles. Since she couldn’t be bothered to paint all of the cabinetry, she bought white shelf liner contact paper and rolled it out over all the doors and drawers only, leaving the cabinets themselves dark wood. Suffice to say, the overall effect was not very appealing.

Since I couldn’t afford to replace/re-face all of the cabinetry I decided, “Design on a Dime” style that I would change the appearance of the existing kitchen with paint and new hardware.

So, bright and early one morning I’d gone to the local box hardware store and spent close to $50.00 on brushes and trays to get started. Soon after I got home it dawned on me to take a look around the house to see what we already had that I might be able to use.

A “Ty-Tip”: BEFORE starting any project always check your basement, garage or wherever you may store things from past projects, there may be items there that you can use and you’ll save yourself a lot of money in the process.

We live in a condo, not a house so I went to the storage unit instead of the basement to scrounge for things I could use. The good news is that I found brushes, rollers, trays, etc. Everything that I needed was there in a box among my late Pop’s things.

The bad news was that I had this brainstorm “after” I’d already spent the fifty dollars but, that’s why we always keep our receipts for at least 90 days after each purchase (another “Ty- Tip”).

No matter, I just returned everything on the next trip to the hardware store when I needed to shop for more of something else that I needed. That’s the thing about home renovation or decorating projects-you become a “regular” at your local box hardware store.

A” Ty-Tip”: Speaking of hardware stores, it’s a good idea to befriend a sales associate who knows the store, the products and how to use them. It’s not always easy since most hardware stores don’t require much of their employees besides a pulse so many have little in the way of knowledge, you’re lucky if you can find someone to help you that speaks standard English and doesn’t have an attitude (like a postal employee). But, usually there are one or two people who really like appliances, paint and everything else” hardware” and they are gems-but like most semi-precious stones you have to “pan” for them.

Once you have your hardware store advocate find out his/her schedule (not in a stalker kind of way) just casually ask, ”Oh, and when are you here next in case I have anymore questions” and try to shop when you know they will be there. It helps to build up a rapport with one person who knows the merchandise, can help you compare and contrast generic vs. name brand, can help you with returns, knows about special deals and can help you locate hard to find items.

My go-to guy is “Mike”, I found him quite by accident when I was shopping in the appliance clearance center looking for bargain appliances when he revealed that the paint department was really his “wheel-house”-Eureka! I struck gold in Lowe’s.

Mike was able to advise me how to remove the contact paper (a spray solution similar to wallpaper remover if the paper didn’t peel off by itself-luckily it did). And he was able to help me select a primer and line of paint that were similar in quality to the “name” brand (the “name” being the nom de plume used by one Mr. Ralph Lipschitz). So, I found top of the line quality products at a better price point. Ah yes, I could see that this was “the beginning of a beautiful friendship”.

Since the condo hadn’t been painted since Reagan was in office (and was in as many colors as could be found in a jar of the jellybeans he so loved) Mike strongly suggested priming every surface first. The primer not only absorbed odor, it covered stains and when dry creates a foundation for the paint color to lay on top of and not be absorbed into decades old walls thirsty for moisture.

With a bagful of supplies and new knowledge I went home to tackle the kitchen. It took me one week, two coats of primer but in the end the kitchen cabinetry was freshly painted the white that Miss Cathy always intended, with new brushed, nickel hardware (to match the stainless steel appliance that were on my wish list) and the pulls removed to add a cleaner, more contemporary look.

Miss Cathy was surprisingly quiet during all the chaos in the kitchen during the week. True to her word she asked no questions and just reached into cabinets that had no doors as if that were normal until they were put back up.

Most of the work I did in the afternoons when she was down for her nap and again in the evenings after she “went under” (her expression for sleeping). I started on Sunday the 19th and was finished on the 24th in the evening. I went to Miss Cathy’s room where she was laying down watching TV and asked her to come into the kitchen for the second “reveal” (the first being the ladder bookcase that I replaced her black lacquer and chrome monstrosity which housed the family pictures in the living room.)

It was then that I told her that her Christmas present would be a “revealed” over time and that there were many to come.

As she rounded the corner to the kitchen I had her close her eyes (just like they do on TV) and after a pregnant pause (those TV hosts ain’t got nothing on me) I said, “Open your eyes!” and by the look on her face it was all worth it.

“Ohhhh my goodness!” she explained as her hands fly up to her face in disbelief, “This is Gorgeous!”

“I had no idea you were going to do all this!”

I smiled to myself thinking,” Two down and more to come…..”

Next, Design in time for New Years Pt III “A magic carpet ride”

Design on a Dime in time for New Years: Part I

Posted in January by

While I was in Kansas City visiting Chad on my (long over-due) quarterly break early in November I had a brainstorm for a Christmas gift for Miss Cathy. I got the idea to makeover her condo (a la one of the design shows on HGTV). Think “Design on a Dime” and not “Divine Design”. For one thing I’m not blond or Canadian like Candice Olsen (y’know) host of the big budget “Divine Design” and I certainly don’t have the $30 to $50 thousand dollar budgets that she spends on her gorgeous transformations.

I’d done some redecorating, a sofa here, a microwave there, what I mostly did when I moved in was alot of purging and deep cleaning that (to her defense) she simply can’t do anymore.

No, what I had in mind (and about as much money for) was something more along the lines of “Design on a Dime” the show where the challenge is to use a modest budget (usually around $3000.00) and a lot of creativity to achieve their goal.

I’ve been living with Miss Cathy for about a year and half now and the best I can say about her décor and decorating is that it’s dated-lost somewhere in the 80’s. Unfortunately it’s not the high glam or kitsch one thinks of on (now classic) TV shows like “Dynasty”, “Dallas” or even “Who’s the Boss?”- it’s more like “who was the decorator?”

Not to knock my mom or her taste (well, I am actually), we all like what we like-but does hers have to be soooo tacky and tasteless?

Quite frankly, it was depressing to wake up everyday and walk out of my little, dull white walled room with old beige caret down a hall of powder blue “faux” shag carpet (it may have been shag at one time, I’m not sure, whatever it “was” it is now a soiled, matted mess) and continue into the living/dining room covered in the same hue. There’s textured beige wallpaper (some peeling a bit around the edges-looking as if it’s given up and just wants to lay down after holding trying for decades to be tasteful and failing) and there’s the heavy “Mediterranean” furniture that was made of some material not known to man but other than wood (and heavier than a Sequoia) and not found in any province of Italy that I’ve ever seen.

Every surface is covered with knick knacks, bric a brac, chotchkes, keepsakes from a lifetime (and remember she’s seventy-three) of collecting (more like hoarding but I promised myself in the new year I’d be kind (er).

And did I mention the stuffed animals (again)? They sit on every surface either along with or instead of a chotchke. There were over one hundred in the living/dining room alone when I first moved in here and I bagged up over half and put them in the storage room but the few that remain seem to have multiplied somehow and they’ve taken over all the seating again…….but I digress, back to my “desire to design”.

Suffice to say, it was definitely time for change and seemed the perfect Christmas gift for Miss Cathy (and trust-for me, too).

Now that the idea was born I just needed to put a budget and a plan together. Upon hearing my idea Chad immediately volunteered to fly out and help but ultimately that didn’t work out but I really appreciated his gesture. I hadn’t thought about help until Chad then I thought,”Fuck, if Chad was going to fly out to help what about Tony?” so I not so much asked but called and enlisted the support of my brother, (but I soon learned in a later conversation that he would be laid up in early January through February recuperating after surgery on his Achilles tendon so he was going to be useless to me-other than financially) So, the bulk of the execution of the plan would still fall to me.

In keeping with the TV theme I thought it would be great if I could somehow get Miss Cathy to leave for a week in say, February and that would give me time enough to re-paint and re-carpet the entire condo and replace/upgrade one or two major appliances in the kitchen. So, the germ of the seed of the idea to re-decorate was born in the Midwest and I came back East eager to put my plan in action.

Early in December I started to research costs and materials, trying to stick with my (arbitrary) budget of $2000.00. I soon realized the challenge was going to not only be trying to blast Miss Cathy out of her home for a week but also trying to stretch my dollars to accomplish all that I wanted.

I got three estimates for wall-to-wall carpet. I learned that I needed about 1000 sq feet of carpet and in order to get any of the “deals” I’d negotiated the carpet needed to be installed sooner than later (throwing my schedule of a February makeover out the window and making me re-think the order in which I got things done). Originally I wanted to paint first, make a mess without having to worry about the floor then laying the carpet last). But, with no guarantee that the prices would be honored into the New Year I decided to re-vamp my “plans” and just go with the flow and let “bargains” and “deals” dictate the schedule.

I negotiated (to me) the bargain of a lifetime for the carpet (little did I know what was ahead), I was having the entire condo re-carpeted, the installers would be responsible for removal of the old carpet AND “moving” the furniture as they worked to install (there is usually an “extra” fee (per item of furniture left on the floor during the install) charged for furniture moving which can be very steep. The other estimates I got ranged from $2,200.00 to $2,800.00 (without furniture moving).

“Mike’s Carpet” (a local company that ran an ad in the “PennySaver” believe it or not) agreed to do the work for $1,500.00 cash. Granted, this isn’t the finest quality wool or Berber carpet but it’s new, it’s clean and with just me and Miss Cathy toddling around on it-how much wear and tear could it possibly get. The best thing is that it’s all the same color, “Raw oyster” (a light beige) instead of the crazy quilt of colors on the floor now-living/dining room/halls-powder blue, my room –dirty beige and Miss Cathy’s room….wait for it-blood red.

With the carpet scheduled to be installed on Wednesday the 21st, I asked Miss Cathy if she could arrange to go over to her girlfriends house for the day-sort of a septuagenarians’ “play date”. I told her I had a surprise that needed her out of the condo and to my “surprise” she said “sure”, called her girlfriend and agreed to be gone from 8 am that day till 5 pm.

With her onboard, and without any questions from her I was feeling good. It wasn’t going to be the complete “reveal” that I’d envisioned when I first came up with idea but I’d resigned myself to the notion that a series of mini “reveals” could be just as effective-fingers crossed, it was all about to begin….

Next week: Design on a Dime in time for New Years: Part II

Blessings

Posted in December by

One day last week I was sitting in the parking lot of CVS waiting for Miss Cathy to come back from buying a disposable camera. We were on our way to her girlfriend’s house for a holiday visit when she decided that she wanted to take pictures of Adele’s newly renovated kitchen. She’d been in here the store awhile so I was giving her another 15 minutes before I went in to check whether or not she was lost in one of the aisles or passed out from finally getting some exercise outside of the apartment.

When she finally returned to the car and was buckled up she told what had taken so long. Apparently she walked to the back of the store to the Pharmacy department thinking that’s where the photo center was (it’s actually located just inside the door on the right, beside the registers). She stood in line waiting to ask for the photo center location when she found herself in conversation with the lady in line ahead of her.

They got to talking about prescription drugs and how expensive they were. The woman told mom that she was distressed because her prescriptions (even though they were generic) were almost $100.00 a month and she didn’t know if she had enough money for this month’s supply.

Hearing her story Miss Cathy decided to offer the lady ten of the twenty dollars that she brought to purchase the disposable camera. The lady refused saying that she couldn’t possibly take her money and that she didn’t want mom to think that she told her plight to illicit money.

Miss Cathy assured her that wasn’t the case, simply that hearing her story made her realize how blessed she was in her life and all that she’d been given. She told the lady that she had great insurance and didn’t need to worry about her prescription costs like so many and she’d been blessed with great children and then she told her new friend about Tony and me.

In the car mom told me how years ago a woman had offered her some money when she was running short and she’d always remembered the kindness of that stranger and wanted to so the same for someone else. She said that the ten dollars wasn’t much but it was half of what she had so she offered it.

I listened to her, thinking that she’d never seen the movie or heard the expression, “pay it forward” but that was indeed what she was doing. I forget that underneath her bluster and the anger that the disease seems to taking over her personality that she’s a sweet person with a good heart.

She insisted that the woman take the money. True to form Miss Cathy told me that at that very moment she was thinking, “You betta take this money lady-I don’t offer money often-and never to strangers.”

What she said to the lady was, “please take the money, you never know where your blessings are going to come from so you should never refuse them when they present themselves.”

Grateful and touched, the lady took the money and Miss Cathy toddled off to the front of the store after the cashier told her where to go. She made her purchase and off we went to visit Adele to give her the Christmas wreath I’d made and to see her new kitchen and holiday decorations.

Bed(time) Story

Posted in December by

One day last week I was walking from the laundry room when I spied Miss Cathy pulling the sheets off her bed. Seeing me she asked, ”Do you have anything you want to go in the wash?”

“Isn’t that funny” I said, “Great minds think alike. I just took my bed things in to wash.”

I told her that I was going to do my laundry the day before but kept putting it off, leaving it till the traditional “wash-day” of old.

“I don’t think about what day it is to wash my things”, she said,” I just do laundry whenever I get ready. It used to be when I had a utility bill when we lived in the house that I would think about things like when it was cheaper to run water but now that I’m in a condo I just run water when I like.”

“Yeah, I know”, I say having heard what was coming a thousand times before, so I started walking again, “I wasn’t subscribing to any particular day to wash -I was just talking.”

“I use the water whenever I want because I pay my condo fees and there’s people here that don’t.” (At this point I could feel a rant coming on….)

“Makes me sick that people can do that! How can they do that and get away with it?” (And …there’s she goes….)

She went off on a tear about people who didn’t pay their faire share to the condominium association and how it made it hard on everybody else. So, to insure that she was NOT taken advantage of and got her monies worth she leaves lights on in rooms she’s not in and runs water without a thought to conservation-Miss Cathy logic.

Thankfully I had reached the laundry room and (small space that it is in a not very large apartment) it wasn’t far enough away so I could still hear her. I turned on the washer and the rushing water drowned out the sound of her negativity as it filled the machine with just enough water to clean my clothes (somebody around here has to be conscious of natural resources).

After the laundry was washed and dried I’d laid her linens back on her bed. Later that same morning on my way to my room to work I looked in on her in her room and saw her standing over the bed, thinking she was going to make the bed I went in to help.

“Where are you going?” I asked puzzled when she took the fitted sheet out of my hand. She’d gathered everything up was about to walk past me out of the room, “Don’t you want to make your bed while the sheets are still warm from the dryer?”

“Oh”, she said startled and confused, “I’m so crazy, I was headed for the laundry room. I thought I still needed to wash them.”

She came back into the room and I made the bed for her while she went into the living room to sit and watch television for a little while. It wasn’t much later than noon but I knew she’d be back and ready to lie down for a nap soon.

This ‘n that lll

Posted in November by

I just returned from a week off. It was my first break since going to New York to teach for a few days every other week for a while last summer.

I had committed to taking a week for myself every three months but that had fallen by the wayside. For whatever reason I felt I didn’t need the time away (could that mean that I’m actually starting to ‘like it’ here-naw). But months ago after Chad’s visit here I’d spontaneously decided to go back to Kansas City to spend a week with him.

Since Miss Cathy has been doing so well I didn’t feel bad about leaving her alone in the apartment and as is my rule I didn’t tell her about the trip till one week before my departure. She took the news in stride and there wasn’t the usual daily peppering of questions that have seasoned past trips.

Her only response when I told her my plans was, ”Oh, well I’ve gotten used to you being around so I don’t feel like I really need a break from you.”

“Okay.” I thought to myself, “these little getaways aren’t really for you” but said nothing and smiled, not wanting to take the focus off of her.

I gotta say, it was easier being away this time. A few days before my departure I made a run to the grocery store to make sure she’d have all her favorite foods and reminded Ron (her ‘other son’ from upstairs) to check in on her as well as reminding her other biological son, Tony.

While I was gone I didn’t worry (much) and called every other day, hearing from her only once or twice and it was good that when she did call she told me that she’d gone out with her girlfriend once (she actually left the apartment) in addition to the usual ranting about ‘relatives of unknown origin’.

My only concern when we talked was when she told me that one day there was a knock at the door and when she asked who it was the person said, “Is your son at home?” (this is worrying because I don’t have any ‘friends’ in the area that would just drop by unannounced) but she only talked to him through the door and didn’t give the stranger any information that would lead him to think she was alone.

She call Ron immediately after and he suggest that she leave the alarm system on even while she’s in the house during the day and not just at night when she goes to bed.

The other thing that concerned me was that she didn’t sound as if she was eating enough vegetables (which are usually a mainstay in her diet) but I was relieved to hear that most of what she was making to eat didn’t involve a lot of cooking on the stove.

Tony came on the weekend to hang out with her and then (to my surprise) took her to Charlestown Races so she could gamble (which for her means sitting at a nickel or quarter slot machine and pulling the arm until her shekels ran out-one of her favorite past-times).

I left last Sunday morning and arrived back here last night a week later. Ron picked me up at the airport and reported that all was well and Tony was going to be bringing Miss Cathy back sometime Monday morning.

So, thanks to my brother(s) I’ve got a few moments to myself to unpack and ease back into life here.

Oh, spoke too soon….I see them pulling up outside. Time to go to work………