Tag Archives: caregiving

I think I’m ready to go under

Posted in January by

Night after night Miss Cathy says, “I think I’m ready to go under”. No, she’s not channeling Dr Kevorkian; she’s just letting me know that she’s ready for me to turn off her TV and bedside lamp so that she can go to sleep. She’s not ready for the “Big sleep”- just a deep one. But, when I hear it I know that it’s a sign for me that the day is done and I’m pretty much free to be.

Recently I’d been spending my days stressing about telling her about my upcoming trip. It’s that time again, my “quarterly time-off”!(sounds like I’m working for an insurance company). My plans have been set for weeks now but I was waiting till about two weeks before (the trip) to tell her because I’ve been dreading a repeat of what happened last October when I told her I was leaving for a week (my first “time off” after being here for three months). She had no problem with me taking a trip (in fact she was happy for me) the problem started when she realized that my leaving didn’t mean that she’d get to stay alone in her apartment, it meant she’d have to go over to my brothers’ while I was gone (in her mind a fate tad amount to internment). Which also meant almost daily conversations, arguments and campaigns on her part to stay home alone. Oy Vey! It was exhausting and by the time I dropped her ass off at my brother’s “you best believe” I was in need of a holiday.

I’d remembered something that a psychiatrist told me years ago about sharing difficult news, she suggested letting the news come out of a normal activity and not to call any more attention to the news than was necessary by doing something out of the ordinary like 1) sharing it on a major holiday b) calling everyone to a specific room to share the news or 3) taking the person someplace unfamiliar to talk to them, lest you set up a future trauma that would include not just the news BUT the person, place or thing surrounding what you have to say.

So, with that in mind I set about waiting for an opportunity to tell her about the trip. The moment presented itself the other day while we were playing 3-13, the card game. She had asked if I wanted to play and at first I thought “Uggh, I am not in the mood”, then I realized that it would be the “normal activity” I was waiting for so I said “I’m in!”

It was after I’d won the game and we were still sitting at the dining room table, straightening up when I simply said,” I’ve got some news. I’ve got a trip planned and I’ll be gone Feb one through the ninth.” I know it sounds kinda dry, but I didn’t want to make a “bigger” deal out of the trip (nor did I want it to spark a major blow up either) so I opted for a “Readers Digest” version of events. After delivering my news I braced for whatever she was going to say but other than asking me to repeat the dates a couple times she didn’t say much else. I suggested that if she didn’t want to stay with Tony that maybe she could ask her girlfriend, Adele, about staying with her. That kind of just lay there so I burbled on about “too bad the weather wasn’t nicer or you could take some time and go home to North Carolina for a visit.” After chatting a few more moments we were up from the table and onto our separate activities for the rest of the day.

I gotta say, I was a little surprised by her response; maybe I’d built it up too much in my head (and believe me the quiet way she received the news was far preferable to what I’d imagined). Not sure what was coming (if anything) I kinda walked around the rest of the day “waiting” and “it” never came.

Well, it’s been three days since I gave her the news and not a peep out of her about it. Maybe I misjudged what her reaction was going to be (Nah!), maybe she didn’t hear me or maybe she’s just resigned to the way things are-the “new normal”. What I really think is that she’s just waiting for her moment (same as me) and she’ll “pop” out with something that I didn’t expect so I’ll deal with it then.

No matter, she’s given me plenty to think about at night right before “I go under”.

Sweets n’ treats

Posted in January by

Miss Cathy’s project d’jour was cleaning all the pieces in the china cabinet. I was happy to see that she was doing something other than sitting in the living room watching television (not that there’s anything wrong with that-I too continue to clock way too many hours staring into “the box”). She said she thinks it’s been at least two or maybe three years since she’s taken out all the dishes, crystal stemware and choctchkes and washed each by hand. It’s a big commitment of time and energy, delicately removing each piece and not breaking it or any of the other items that are stuffed onto the shelves.

The dining room in the apartment is rarely used, except by me to work (sometimes). I don’t remember the last time anyone actually had a meal in there. It’s not a large space and unfortunately it’s made even more uninviting by the huge “Mediterranean” style dining room “suite” that Miss Cathy brought here from one of her previous marriages. The furniture is too large for the room (I think it was designed with a Medieval Spanish Castle in mind), several of the chairs are in need of repair (meaning broken) and I was beside myself with joy when Miss Cathy suggested that I get rid of two of them not too long ago.

I took to the task of breaking down the chairs with gusto, in my mind they were just two more things standing in the way of this becoming a “livable” space instead of the stuffed animal “way-station” filled with chairs that were either uncomfortable, broken or occupied by her collection. Since the chairs were so old and wobbly (not unlike our matriarch come to think of it), it was very easy to pull them apart (I know what you’re thinking……..but, no, I NEVER think of “pulling Miss Cathy apart”). After my remark about “understanding” elder abuse I feel a need to include disclaimers ever so often lest social services may be reading “in” or someone feels the need to mistake my sense of humor for a confession of condoning or participating in aberrant behavior. All rightly then, now that that’s out of the way………..

In no time at all I had the pieces tied into two bundles ready for the trash. Unfortunately they couldn’t be recycled or used as kindling because they were made of some kind of wood composite or man-made, factory turned material. I think if you put a match to them you would asphyxiate from the smoke rising off the plastic.

So, happy that she was occupied with an activity I was off to “the city” to have lunch in downtown DC with three friends from Philadelphia who were down for the day to visit the National Portrait Gallery (and to see me, of course). We had a great time at lunch and seeing friends had the usual effect of working like a ‘tonic’ on me-I drove home energized and refreshed.

Before we walked to the restaurant from the museum where I met them I had the chance to talk to one of my friends alone about Miss Cathy. Cassandra has been taking care of her mother for years now so I was happy to have some time to compare notes and ask her advice. Our mothers do not suffer from all the same illnesses but they do have diabetes in common. No matter the particulars, if only for the benefit of being able to sit across from and vent to someone who ‘gets it”. Besides, I think there’s always something to be gained from talking to a “fellow” traveler who walks down the path of care giving.

I listened to some of her “war” stories then I shared some of mine. Then we got on the topic of “picking our battles”, we were talking about the fact that both our mothers are diabetic but love sweets, we sounded like two parents with little children feeling guilty because we’re the ones doing the shopping and have control over buying the foods they consume but find it difficult/exasperating/hard to say “no” to their requests sometimes.

Cassandra told me that what she does (on top of rationing her mom’s sugar intake-and picking her battles) is to give her mother a baked sweet potato loaded with Cinnamon, it not only satisfies her cravings for dessert it’s healthy food that can be easily digested and it helps psychologically because one doesn’t feel deprived.

I thought that was a brilliant idea and now I can’t wait to try it out on Miss Cathy, who knows, maybe I’ll serve it to here in the dining room on one of her china plates now that they’re sparkling clean.

This n’ that

Posted in January by

Not much to report as the New Year gets underway (and considering all that 2010 had to offer that’s a good thing).

Miss Cathy’s doing pretty well, its Sunday so she has her religious programs that she watches on TV in the morning and football to keep her company in the afternoon.

I’m a little concerned that she hasn’t been out of the apartment (other than to go to the doctor’s office) in a couple of weeks but her spirits are high and she says she’s enjoying being inside “out of the cold”.

Last week we went to the Doctor’s for a check up and the reports were all good, so physically she’s going great. Now I have to schedule a check up for her metal health and I’m taking her to the Dentist next week for her annual visit.

She hasn’t seen the neurologist, Dr Alemayehu for about six months now so it’s time for a check up, I’m sure there wont’ be any discernable change but we need to keep on our schedule of appointments as a matter of routine.

I have been out and about a little more than usual, thanks to the holidays and my birthday. I’m feeling more and comfortable being away from home for hours at a time, and although I haven’t availed myself of the help that’s been offered, I know that there are a few friends and relatives that I can call on to sit with Miss Cathy if need be.

Christmas day

Posted in December by

We spent Christmas day here, just the two of us. I didn’t ask her if she wanted to go to Tony’s- I mean, what’s the point after she was so adamant about NOT wanting to be there for Thanksgiving. I’d thought to call and ask them to come here for the day but first I procrastinated, probably because knowing my brother he wouldn’t have wanted to and I was feeling guilty about putting him in the position to have to say “No”. But, in the end it didn’t matter because when I called Suemi was just getting over a cold, Tony was sick and although Nile was there, Zachary had just left for a trip to Japan to visit relatives.

Late Christmas morning Miss Cathy told me that one of her girlfriends had invited her to dinner and that I was invited, too. I didn’t want to go (and said as much) but I would gladly drive her whenever she was ready.

I was actually excited for her, thinking that she’d get dressed up and have fun hanging out with her friends but she put a kibosh on that right quick. She said that she didn’t want to go either and when I asked if it was because I wasn’t going she said “No”, that she didn’t want to go “regardless” (and her friend had even offered to come pick her up!).

I gotta say, I was pretty miffed. I told her that I don’t understand how she can just sit in this apartment all the time and not go out (sometimes for more than a week) and not do anything or see her friends. “Well,” she said, very satisfied with herself, “I talk to my friends on the phone all the time.”

My first thought upon hearing that was, “Well fuck! If all you want is talk on the phone and never go anywhere I can go back to my life and put your happy ass in an old folks home.” I’m starting to understand how people can beat the elderly-not that I condone or would ever do anything like that. Again, I would NEVER touch Miss Cathy (or anybody for that reason) it’s just that it gets sooo frustrating sometimes that you can think all sorts of crazy things.

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I’m also starting to understand how old people become shut ins-and the sad part is that she’s NOT that old.

I just don’t get it and I’m trying too. First there was the panic about going to Tony’s, okay, that’s an easy one because of my brother’s house being associated with sickness and being away from home for a long period of time-I get that (kind of). But now there’s this  “it’s too cold to go outside” excuse-which pretty much means she’s justified (in her mind) of NOT leaving these four walls until sometime in March.

Speaking of the weather-actually I’m still talking about Miss Cathy (what else is new) but today as I was washing her hair she told me she was thinking about making an appointment at a beauty parlor but her concern was not about the weather but the fact that there are “20 stairs” she’d have to climb to get inside the building.

“So.” I said,” you’ll just walk a little slower. It’s not like you have to walk the stairs everyday. Besides, you could use the exercise.”

“Nah,” was her response. I told her that I don’t understand why she even bothered to have the knee replacement surgery if all she’d going to do is be afraid to walk anywhere.

“I’d like to give YOU a knee replacement surgery and see how you’d like it.” She said.

“I’d do a helluva lot better than you, I know that.” I replied. “You talk like you’re the only person this has ever happened to, there are people older than you having this surgery and they’re jumping out of planes, running in marathons, dancing and rock climbing!”

“No they aren’t either.” She said, her voice muffled by the towel she had wrapped round her head as she dried her hair and toddled away, “I’ll bet they wish they were doing as well as I am. I think I’ve come a long way.”

Yeah well, I know you do and that’s the problem.

I don’t know, it’s been nine months since her surgery and you’d think (I thought) by now she’d be much further along than she is; better balance, more speed and less afraid of a fall- maybe that’s just my “wish” for her. The truth is, before I moved in with her five months ago I had no idea what her day-to-day life was. I didn’t know how large or small her world was.

Of course I had impressions of what I “thought” her life was like but that was based on twice weekly phone calls from twelve hundred miles away. Now that I’m here, part of me is like a parent with a child, trying not to impose my vision of who/what they should be, rather I’m trying to hang back and let her “be”.

A few observations from the peanut gallery

Posted in December by

Miss Cathy and I have played the card game 3-13 several times now and while she seems to be getting the hang of the game there are a few challenges. She’s caught on to the basic premise of the game but she’s having difficulty with the subtleties of how to win a round. As minor as these things appear I do think they are significant in that they show a break down (however slight) in her problem solving and cognitive skills. One of the reason I’m so happy she likes playing cards (aside from the camaraderie) is that the game gives her an opportunity to exercise her mind “muscle.”

After playing a few hands she confessed that she didn’t know how to shuffle the cards very well so I thought I would teach her, easy enough-or so I thought. When she didn’t “get” my verbal instructions I tried showing her what I wanted her to do and it didn’t help much, if anything I think it confused matters. This was most apparent when I asked her to “mirror” my hand movements as I demonstrated how to mix the cards together.

I watched with fascination (not frustration as you’d probably think from my usual ranting) as I would arch my hand “up” by the wrist and hold the cards with my fingers in a specific way, left hand and right. She would struggle to hold her hand “down” and to approximate holding on the cards with her fingers, never able to match either what I was doing or each of her hands.

It’s in these moments that I’m at my best; patient and kind, with an instinct as to the right thing to say and do. I went through the motions of showing her what to do several times, each time phrasing the instructions differently or altering the visuals, looking to see what would “click” with her, ultimately abandoning the lesson for another time after praising her efforts.

Because of something we’d gone through recently I told Chad that I could be counted on to “shine” in a crisis-that it was the day to day of life that I struggled with ”dully”. It’s not that I’m bragging-far from it, it’s just an observation made after bearing witness to how I’ve responded to situations in my life. I know who I am, what I’m capable of and that I can be counted on. I’m not saying I’m unique by any stretch, it’s just that I think there are three types of people: those that “show up”, those that “can’t cope” and those “that flee.”

Most of us know which we are, and if you don’t –others do.